Silver Lining

It's funny the ways God bails people out of situations, even when it seems like the whole world is crashing down.

Basically in a nut shell- I got into a car accident about a month ago, forgot what the court date was and ended up missing it, had to pay $300 dollars (which I would not have had if I had skipped a couple days of work like I wanted to last week). I remember getting the pay check last Friday and being oober amazed at how big it was,  "This is going directly into my savings!" I told myself. Ha.

At least I had the means to get out of a sticky situation. Praise God. It's still disappointing because that pay check was a big leap in being able to get back "home" (Ames).

I'm also thankful for boyfriends that give good advice, even if I don't always listen ;).
By the way, it's his birthday today, my big 23 year old (I'm still older, honey). Poor guy doesn't even get the luxury of saying that he's the same age as me for a couple days.

6.29.2010

I love looking at the websites for stores like Bed, Bath and Beyond, or Lowe's etc.
Matt and I actually like to look at them together, especially cooking things because we cook ALL the time.
While looking at the Lowe's website today, I was trying to keep my focus on what I might really want when I have my own house and had an "ah-ha!" moment. Kids never think about whether their food is going to stick to the bottom of the pan while cooking, or how long paint is going to last. All that matters to them is that it looks cool. Like the Rachel Ray cooking sets that come in orange or green. So pretty!
Of course as I've grown older I've learned that there are more important things than whether you can wiggle your spatula in the air all funny like, or if your juice pitcher is a fun shape. But I just realized how much I want the more important things, the things that will mean something over the long run, than the silly little "princess dream" ideas. I want cookware that will last....forever and cook my food the way I want it to. I want a knife set where the knives blades won't fall out of the handles and they won't get dull fast.
Of course, with a tangent-mind like mine, I start thinking about the rest of the things I want in life, like a relationship that will last forever, and a job where the blades won't fall out and get dull fast (you know what I mean).  Funny how simple mundane thoughts like that trigger life-changing thoughts.

Peace of Mind

~I don't need to have it all together right now.

~I don't need to know exactly where I'm going all the time.

~I don't need to get everything done in one day.

Smoke Before the Fire

I realized today that because of my malleability people have always put me in the place they've wanted me to be, for my whole life. Whatever position they need me to be in, that's what I fall into. And I am frustrated with myself for not doing anything about it.
I like the ability to be flexible. But not malleable.Why can't people just let me be who I am.

I take a bit longer to do things than other people, yes. But there are some things that I can do a hell of a lot faster than anyone else I know. Just let me be who I am please, and stop trying to make me into who you  are because you think that's the right way to be. I do things in my own time. I don't suck up to people. I know how I work. Work WITH me please.

I am SOOOO tired of being pushed and pulled and scolded and all the expectations that go against everything I am.

I am SICK of people giving Christians crap for trying to throw their beliefs at other people. NOT ALL OF US DO THIS!!!! This is an instance where you want to hate the player and not the game. Everyone that says crap about Christians doing this are doing the same thing. Let's just all leave each other alone and lead by example. I no longer believe so much that missions really involves going to places and telling anyone and everyone about Jesus. I believe that you go somewhere and live your life the best way you know how, and the people around you become part of your life and see how you live and THAT is what makes them see the truth of what you believe.

I am so tired of the world right now and how ridiculous people are (as well as myself). How can anybody help it? How can you not be tired of the world?

3.12.10

I wish I had something wise to say right now.

I am starting to make sense of all the mess in my head. I almost feel like a baby again, relearning the basics.

-I need to get things done even if I don't feel like doing it, and no matter how tired I am. Plus, the sooner it gets done, the sooner I won't have to worry about it. It has a lot to do with depression. There are so many things I wish I could do but I have no energy, I seriously CAN NOT do some things.

-Brushing my hair: yes, something that simple and basic, usually I'm afraid to brush my hair because of it being naturally curly

Productive Procrastinator

So....
I've lived in Ames now for about a month and a half. Still love it.
Thinking even more seriously about going back to school next year...ish, for interior design.
Wondering about how bills are going to get payed with all the craziness going on at work. Hopefully I'll get some baby sitting jobs soon or something.
I signed up to be a mystery shopper (watch out everybody), and my first assignment is rather....small. But whatever I'll take it.
I feel like I'm finally pulling my head out of my depression hole just a little bit more each day. I actually did pilates the other day which was amazing. Probably going to do Yoga today.
I am at Matt's house way too often, I think. But he doesn't mind (which doesn't help me leave very often, heh, knowing he wants me there). I definitely need to spend more time with Sara, I miss her. I feel we're like sisters now. We tend to get in nit picky arguments and then are fine two seconds later.
I think I spend so much time here because I don't like being home. I never have. Not even from elementary to high school. It's not that I don't love my home, I just like being out doing things. But here's the kicker, if I don't have anyone to do them with then I veg, very badly. No motivation.
I feel slightly thrown out into the world, and all the things that I am learning are going to bust my head open at some point.

I don't think I've even explained yet that Matt and I are dating, have been since we met, heh. How do you explain about someone so amazing? Someone so close to your heart. They just are, they're just perfect....There's too much to describe.

So...now after I do yoga, I'm going home. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up here again tonight or tomorrow night heh. Habits die hard.

RIP Best Friend

BC: Plus Anthony
Originally uploaded by cherrybug1331

My best friend, Anthony, died yesterday.
They're still not sure what happened, but we'll hopefully find out today.

I feel sick that I am in Ames right now and not in a group hug with my friends in Iowa City.

I feel numb....I'm not really sure what to do. I can't move and I don't want to. I can't think about what else I need to do today. This is like losing Jeremy and Uncle Bob all over again.

Ames #2

MANY things in my head.

1) I realized that the reason I bring so much stuff with me when I go on vacation or even sit down on the couch at home to do something, is that I know I'll get frustrated about whatever I was initially planning on doing (usually something important) and then I'll give up and start on whatever else I brought a long with me. I've noticed this is also a trend more areas of my life: jobs, goals....

2) Had an amazing conversation with Matt last night (after watching the super bowl :D).

-He has figured out things about me without me having to tell him. Not to mention, most of them are things that I WOULD have to tell someone and usually wouldn't do it until a much later point.

-I trust him, which is scary to me. I've never trusted someone completely right away.

-We decided not to go to the next step yet in our relationship because, as he put it, I have some things I need to get over with past relationships etc. I can't "be his" 100% until I do.

-Apparently I have a "fake smile" and a "real smile". Also, I have a "fake laugh" and a "real laugh". And he can tell the difference.

-Both of us have gone through a lot of crap with past relationships and are very surprised at how ours is turning out.

-Lots more but whoever is reading this will probably barf if I said anymore.

3)Craziness with jobs- Didn't get hired at Cold Stone because of the fact that I don't have a car.

Got called with a job offer today but it's down in Des Moines. Talked to Pam about Mary Kay stuff, as well as did a bunch with Event Planning (I'm so proud of myself).

4) My roommate is insane, we are insane together. Love her to death.

That's all that I can remember at the moment, shows how much I was multitasking while writing this.

Ames #1

So... first update from Ames.

Living in the best apartment ever...
with the best roommate ever...
in the best town ever (just cause it's not Iowa City, haha)...

Pretty dang happy here, folks.
Lot's of personal growth going on, as well as dealing with not abusing my new found freedom.

Sara introduced me to her friends from college. Love them.
Nate and Lee: cutest couple ever that I'm not related to.
Tom and Jordan: Tom's just goofy...just goofy, and I have a feeling Jordan might be my next partner in crime.
Brian: Tom's roommate, really sweet, quiet.
Through Brain, met another guy, Matt.
Mike: Nate's next door neighbor...heh...interesting.
still more to come.


Since we've gotten here, most of our time is taken up by trying to find jobs we actually like, cleaning and unpacking the apartment, planning a road trip to Colorado, and hanging out with friends.
I am still missing furniture which sucks. Pretty much everything that needs put out get's put on my desk, which I don't have. I'm sleeping on an air mattress too, until I get a real bed.

I am stressed out, but happy. Really happy. I have closure in a lot of areas of my life now and am exploring new open doors, especially ones I didn't expect and didn't think I would even consider.

I finally got my phone charger from the hotel Sara and I stayed at (oh man! We started watching Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and still need to finish it) .

We met a couple of our neighbors as well and are planning on getting to know everyone in the building. Sara has always wanted to do event planning so we're teaming up on little projects here and there. Our newest project involves our neighbors. Basically just getting to know everyone and having parties with everyone etc.
Our neighbor to the right of us is Ian. He likes to come over when he's board and bring his mandolin with him. We have jam sessions.
Our other neighbor to the left is James. He's the ultimate "we need to borrow a cup of sugar" neighbor. He's got everything. He helped us fix Sara's shower head, and had band aids for Ian when he got into a car accident.

Possible new major idea, brought on by new friend Matt (aka Yogi): Interior design.
Matt works for a construction company. We were watching a movie at his place this morning and I decided to look through a few of the interior design and architecture books his roommate, Mike, had (adore his roommate- cute little gay boy, although I can't call him little cause he's at least 6 inches taller than me). Among everything else we've talked about, I had told him how I love art and at one point wanted to be a fashion designer, then an event planner, and maybe do something with architecture. He told me I should do interior design.
I've thought about it before, but never really that seriously, because event planning is my focus. But just like everything else, interior design can be integrated into event planning.
Back ground info:
-Neither one of us like snow or cold. We decided that there should only be about a week each year (at Christmastime) when it snows. Cancel school, no work that whole week, everybody just goes skiing and sledding and whatever during that week. And then no more snow.
-Both of us LOVE traveling. He gets to travel a lot for his job.
-Twix is both of our favorite candy bar (that's actually irrelevant to what I'm getting at, but his reaction to finding out that we have yet another thing in common was hilarious- complete with eyes popping out, him staring at me in disbelief and commenting about how we both have to be from the same gene pool or something). Not to mention that both of our birthdays are in September, we adore garlic, and...oh man, he's going to be mad at me for forgetting what else...
Anyway, here's the plan now: We're going to start our own company where he builds the houses...or whatever, and I do the interior design for them. Then after we've made a ton of money, we're going to travel all over the world. My only stipulation was that we have to live somewhere where there's only about a week of snow- Texas.
Problem solved.
We've been inseperable the past two days (until now obviously). He made me dinner the first night *swoon*- Chicken Cordon Blue, broccolli and cheese macaroni and salad. I had never had chicken cordon bleu before, because he bought it from Hy-vee he said it wasn't the best and next time he'll make it for me from scratch.
He also made me and his roommate breakfast the next day (actually, this morning). Scrambled eggs, bacon and cressants. Too much fun.
It was hard to leave good conversation (and good food :) ) later on.
When I got home, Sara told me that at one point the cats had heard someone else opening their door and they thought it was me coming home. Big disappointment.
We had dinner with Ian. He had just gotten some venison and made a jambalaya type thing with it, as well as some mexican dish. We just sat around eating the left overs and watching the last episode of the Office that Sara and I were on (I bought season 5). Then we came back home talked for a while and watched 1 1/2 movies (I got ADD halfway through The Brothers Grimm and couldn't sit any longer).

When I first moved here, I didn't remember that my cousin, Luke, lives here as well. He actually came over one day to help us move around some things, which was really nice. I love my family and especially love getting one on one time with members of my extended family. I've found it really comforting knowing that someone who's known me my whole life is just across town.

Sara and I are going to start packing for Colorado tomorrow since we leave on Wednesday. Yikes! That came fast!

1.6.10

I believe I am having my mid-life crisis at the age of 23. I'm making a list of things to do outside of home, like go to the library, take mackie for a walk, go to a park.
I'm wondering- what does one do with the rest of their life. Even just getting a hobby sounds boring to me. I need at least five at one time to keep me occupied. Then you know one is bound to get old and then there will be a new one to takes its place, and then another will lose its fun and be replaced by another...am I willing to let that be the flow of my entire life. How does one feel fulfilled- yes, I know that God's purpose(s) for one's life is the key.
I've never even thought of all this till now, or at least never had any feelings about it. I've always gone with the flow of life, believing that all would be well and everything would be set in motion at the right time (what I didn't realize is that I have to start the motion; if I want to do something I have to be an active participant).
I feel like I've stopped suddenly in my tracks and am looking around at the neglected mess of my life for the first time. The people in my life are all surrounding me, pushing and pulling and encouraging me to keep moving. All I want to do is stop a minute and think. "Just let me clear my head and undo the knots for a moment," I want to say.
People ask me how it's going living with my parents which is still going through the process ("I'll let you know when I have time to think about it"). They ask me what is going on with Greg and me ("I'll explain when I understand it"). They ask me how my job is going ("well... It isn't").
And then the problem is, since everyone wants me to keep going, all the things that are already confusing on their own start to twist together and I don't know which front way is west and which rabbit comes out the other end.

Someone once told me, when I was tired and wanted to give up, that staying in motion is what helps the most.
But you know what? Sometimes you need a breather. Sometimes you need to get to the bench a half mile away and rest for a second.

How can you know which way to go or what to do if you don't take the time to think about it?

Confession: I am terrible at making decisions, I've always said I'd never be able to plan my own wedding because of it. Too many options.
The hard part about this confession is not that I'm not good at making decisions, the hard part is admitting that I have a weakness. Especially that, when I'm supposed to be an event planner, where I have to make decisions all the time.
Decisions have never seemed that important to me. I'm fine with making them when there is a real need for it. But ask me what kind of pizza I want tonight and I could care less. It's not going going to matter to me tomorrow or next week or next month. Just pick something good.

I'm so much better at saying what I don't want than what I do.

Until I get my footing here's some advice: don't ask me to marry you, don't ask me what I want for dinner (this won't ever change, unless I'm actually craving something), don't ask me what I want to do with my life.