1.6.10

I believe I am having my mid-life crisis at the age of 23. I'm making a list of things to do outside of home, like go to the library, take mackie for a walk, go to a park.
I'm wondering- what does one do with the rest of their life. Even just getting a hobby sounds boring to me. I need at least five at one time to keep me occupied. Then you know one is bound to get old and then there will be a new one to takes its place, and then another will lose its fun and be replaced by another...am I willing to let that be the flow of my entire life. How does one feel fulfilled- yes, I know that God's purpose(s) for one's life is the key.
I've never even thought of all this till now, or at least never had any feelings about it. I've always gone with the flow of life, believing that all would be well and everything would be set in motion at the right time (what I didn't realize is that I have to start the motion; if I want to do something I have to be an active participant).
I feel like I've stopped suddenly in my tracks and am looking around at the neglected mess of my life for the first time. The people in my life are all surrounding me, pushing and pulling and encouraging me to keep moving. All I want to do is stop a minute and think. "Just let me clear my head and undo the knots for a moment," I want to say.
People ask me how it's going living with my parents which is still going through the process ("I'll let you know when I have time to think about it"). They ask me what is going on with Greg and me ("I'll explain when I understand it"). They ask me how my job is going ("well... It isn't").
And then the problem is, since everyone wants me to keep going, all the things that are already confusing on their own start to twist together and I don't know which front way is west and which rabbit comes out the other end.

Someone once told me, when I was tired and wanted to give up, that staying in motion is what helps the most.
But you know what? Sometimes you need a breather. Sometimes you need to get to the bench a half mile away and rest for a second.

How can you know which way to go or what to do if you don't take the time to think about it?

Confession: I am terrible at making decisions, I've always said I'd never be able to plan my own wedding because of it. Too many options.
The hard part about this confession is not that I'm not good at making decisions, the hard part is admitting that I have a weakness. Especially that, when I'm supposed to be an event planner, where I have to make decisions all the time.
Decisions have never seemed that important to me. I'm fine with making them when there is a real need for it. But ask me what kind of pizza I want tonight and I could care less. It's not going going to matter to me tomorrow or next week or next month. Just pick something good.

I'm so much better at saying what I don't want than what I do.

Until I get my footing here's some advice: don't ask me to marry you, don't ask me what I want for dinner (this won't ever change, unless I'm actually craving something), don't ask me what I want to do with my life.