Peace of Mind

~I don't need to have it all together right now.

~I don't need to know exactly where I'm going all the time.

~I don't need to get everything done in one day.

Smoke Before the Fire

I realized today that because of my malleability people have always put me in the place they've wanted me to be, for my whole life. Whatever position they need me to be in, that's what I fall into. And I am frustrated with myself for not doing anything about it.
I like the ability to be flexible. But not malleable.Why can't people just let me be who I am.

I take a bit longer to do things than other people, yes. But there are some things that I can do a hell of a lot faster than anyone else I know. Just let me be who I am please, and stop trying to make me into who you  are because you think that's the right way to be. I do things in my own time. I don't suck up to people. I know how I work. Work WITH me please.

I am SOOOO tired of being pushed and pulled and scolded and all the expectations that go against everything I am.

I am SICK of people giving Christians crap for trying to throw their beliefs at other people. NOT ALL OF US DO THIS!!!! This is an instance where you want to hate the player and not the game. Everyone that says crap about Christians doing this are doing the same thing. Let's just all leave each other alone and lead by example. I no longer believe so much that missions really involves going to places and telling anyone and everyone about Jesus. I believe that you go somewhere and live your life the best way you know how, and the people around you become part of your life and see how you live and THAT is what makes them see the truth of what you believe.

I am so tired of the world right now and how ridiculous people are (as well as myself). How can anybody help it? How can you not be tired of the world?

3.12.10

I wish I had something wise to say right now.

I am starting to make sense of all the mess in my head. I almost feel like a baby again, relearning the basics.

-I need to get things done even if I don't feel like doing it, and no matter how tired I am. Plus, the sooner it gets done, the sooner I won't have to worry about it. It has a lot to do with depression. There are so many things I wish I could do but I have no energy, I seriously CAN NOT do some things.

-Brushing my hair: yes, something that simple and basic, usually I'm afraid to brush my hair because of it being naturally curly

Productive Procrastinator

So....
I've lived in Ames now for about a month and a half. Still love it.
Thinking even more seriously about going back to school next year...ish, for interior design.
Wondering about how bills are going to get payed with all the craziness going on at work. Hopefully I'll get some baby sitting jobs soon or something.
I signed up to be a mystery shopper (watch out everybody), and my first assignment is rather....small. But whatever I'll take it.
I feel like I'm finally pulling my head out of my depression hole just a little bit more each day. I actually did pilates the other day which was amazing. Probably going to do Yoga today.
I am at Matt's house way too often, I think. But he doesn't mind (which doesn't help me leave very often, heh, knowing he wants me there). I definitely need to spend more time with Sara, I miss her. I feel we're like sisters now. We tend to get in nit picky arguments and then are fine two seconds later.
I think I spend so much time here because I don't like being home. I never have. Not even from elementary to high school. It's not that I don't love my home, I just like being out doing things. But here's the kicker, if I don't have anyone to do them with then I veg, very badly. No motivation.
I feel slightly thrown out into the world, and all the things that I am learning are going to bust my head open at some point.

I don't think I've even explained yet that Matt and I are dating, have been since we met, heh. How do you explain about someone so amazing? Someone so close to your heart. They just are, they're just perfect....There's too much to describe.

So...now after I do yoga, I'm going home. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up here again tonight or tomorrow night heh. Habits die hard.