Do you ever read through your old blog posts?
I do.
I was just reading the post titled "Not so much a disaster" and cringed.
Not just because I sound whiny and selfish but also because of what I know now.
I think almost every wife goes through those feelings and it is completely understandable but obviously still needs a solution.
When Matt and I argue, I like to start with the root issue and take care of that before dealing with the surface issue. The problem is finding the root issue. So lets try that here:
1) why was I upset? Because I felt like I had to do everything and there was do much to do.
2) How did that make me feel (the root issue)? Bombarded, taken advantage of, alone, not up to par, depressed...
If these feelings aren't taken care of, the issue will never go away.
So how do we make it go away?
1) start with the first feeling and think about what might help that?
Example: to feel less bombarded I need to have less on my plate or learn how to handle what I do have better.
2) go through the options and find the best solution- for me, I can't learn how to handle things better without giving each item the proper attention, so I need to take some things off my plate (no, you DON'T have to do everything at once).
3) make a plan and put it into action-
a. I can adk Matt to help me with some of it
b. I can go through my to do list and scratch off things that can wait to be done.
c. I can start with one item, finish it and move on to the next.
Repeat process with your other feelings.
Once you've "solved your feelings" the surface issue just seems to disappear!!!
Now, feelings can be fickle and sometimes come from places that seem out of whack, but they still need to be dealt with, or you're going to end up with a stroke from all the feelings stuffed in the back of your mind.
Most of the time all we want is for our feelings to be validated. That's ok, but the important thing is what we do about it.
Just because you feel you have the right to flip that lady off in the car beside you doesn't mean it's ok.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that just because you have a feeling doesn't mean you should act on it.
Our feelings are not the answer, they're part of the issue (good or bad) and need to have a solution.
So instead of sitting on the couch and playing on the computer, I should have been 1) trying to find a solution and 2) putting it into play.
I love FLYlady.
I have mentioned her in a couple other posts, but seriously. If you need help getting to that point where you feel like you're on top of the world (or at least your home) then PLEASE check her out! She has been a godsend not only to me but thousands maybe even millions of women around the globe. The great thing about her system is that it personalized. She gives you the bones and you fill in the rest.
Now this is where hindsight comes in:
I was so frustrated at Matt for not actually doing what he promised (which I understand now was too much for him) but once I got started with my routines, zones, decluttering etc it was EASIER for me to do it MYSELF!!! What a concept!!!
For example, with the laundry- I refused to put Matt's away because I didn't understand his drawer system. Laundry wouldn't get put away for weeks because he wouldn't do it and i'd let mine sit there because i'd get frustrated. I finally decided, after 2 1/2 years of living together, that I could look in his drawers, figure out his system, and put his laundry away for him. And if he didn't like it he could fix it! So after about a week of doing that now, guess who's happy? Both of us! I don't get frustrated because there isn't any laundry sitting around and I don't have to wait for him to do it (that may sound snarky but really, it took a huge weight off my shoulders! The feeling of accomplishment without obstacles is a heady and energizing mixture).
So what's my point of all this now that I've gone on a tangent?
Well first I have to apologize not only to you readers, but also to my Matthew for my attitude.
Second, go check out FLYlady. I'll wait...................................
Third, don't let your emotions dictate you and find them a solution that will allow you to solve surface issues without bottled up emotion and resentment.
And fourth you don't have to do it all at once (seriously, go ask FLYlady)
A piece of wisdom from my own mother to take with you: if you don't do it [take care of your house/your life] yourself, you can't expect it to get done.
